The One Where I (Might) Offend 2 of My 3 Readers

Please realize that the following is just me being really annoyed at really annoying people, and is not to offend the parents of young children AT ALL.

I am getting married in 25 days.  I am pretty much the last of all of my friends and family to get married, thus I am not afforded the luxuries that the others had.  For instance, innocent mistakes that let other people have tons of fun (charge by the drink throughout the night!  That’s a great idea, our friends won’t drink that much!) have made way for much tighter rules (open bar.  2 and a half hours. The end.) and such.  Additionally, other family members got to say “NO CHILDREN” which was fine.  Because there were none.

I tried to say that.  Maybe my English was off that day, however, because I was met with a silence equal to “Let’s have the groomsmen where Hitler mustaches”.  SILENCE.  And then YELLING.

“Jacob CAN’T be left with a sitter.  He has attachment syndrome.”  “Elizabeth can only handle 15 minutes away from her mother at a time, they won’t come if they can’t bring her”.  And on and on. And on.

Here is the thing.  I love kids.  I want a million.  But I don’t love kids at big events.  Why?  Because in my family, people think that it is permission to let them run around.  It is really embarrasing and uncomfortable.  The kids are wild and unbehaved and rude.  I hate it.  And Gd forbid you say something like, “Aytan, if you break that, you will be in trouble”, because then Chaya, his mother, will lay into you for parenting her child, who is “sensitive and just being artistic”.  It doesn’t matter if he is being artistic with your things.  It is all about her new age parenting.

My brother-in-law has the golden child (sorry, but it is true) and is furious that we had the GALL to have our reception had 7, at Golden Child’s bedtime.  He is furious.  His solution?  Is to have me HIRE A BABYSITTER TO BE ON CALL.  Should they need a babysitter, they will have one. ON CALL.  Did I mention I am getting married on LABOR DAY?

I actually went out of my way to make things easy for people, and contacted every parent with the option of a babysitter to be at the hotel (where we are having the wedding and the guests are staying).  The babysitters are all employed at the Synagogue where my mom is the President.  Most responses were, “No thanks, the kids would hate to miss the celebration!”  Which is fine, I understand.  I loved dancing at weddings when I was little.  I also, though, can imagine that when I am a parent, I would LOVE the option to go to a wedding with a free, pre-screened babysitter watching my kids.  On-site.  But that is neither here nor there.

The item that really inspired this post is a cousin of mine.  She is my age, and has a 2 year old and a 4 year old.  She didn’t have the common courtesy to even RSVP.  But today, I got a SCREAMING phone call from her.  The type where you don’t get a “Hello”.  Her issue?  She heard that the child’s menu was chicken fingers.  Didn’t I know that her kids are gluten-free?  Actually, no.  See, you didn’t RSVP, I pointed out.  (She, by the way, was one of the lucky child-free weddings).  She actually hung up on me.  If I hadn’t had the experience of the other crazies throughout the past 11 months, it would of affected me.  But this time, her BS rolled off of my back.

This wedding is going to be 225 people.  Of that, 37 people are going to be 10 and under.  I am just praying to Gd that our band doesn’t take any Miley Cyrus or Jonas Brothers requests.  🙂