They never tell you…that sometimes you are going to feel empty, even if on the surface your life looks full.
They never tell you…that depending on someone for your happiness is not worth it.
They never tell you…that going from happiness to sadness to happiness all in one day is not called depression, it’s called LIFE. So don’t feel isolated.
They never tell you…is that you can get whatever you want, but the key is wanting what you get.
For the first 20 years of my life, I lived in constant fear that I would die alone. You know, as a hoarder with 900 cats, one-legged dogs and a spider collection. I would take to the moldy food in my fridge and lose all of my teeth, and keep the wedding cake from my lost love in the family room a la Miss Havisham but not as interesting…just pathetic.
Then I found love. I got married. And I am happy. But I realize that even with D. in my life, I still have to have a life. And that is where my confusion lies. I have lived in this city for over a year, and literally know 4 people. Most of my friends are spread around the country. D and I have little to no money of our own…and I feel isolated. I don’t like to talk about the fear of never having being able to make enough money to survive comfortably with my friends, because I don’t want my friends to think that D. is not pulling his weight. I have no idea why, but I don’t want my friends to judge our relationship just yet. I don’t lie, but I don’t go into the detail that I used to. Maybe, I guess, because I know he is a permanent fixture and our life is our life.
The last week has been really hard on me. My paycheck wasn’t automatically deposited because my boss didn’t have the money. I have been having anxiety attacks about that, which is of course to be expected. Then D. decided we needed to come to his home town to see his old back doctor for him to get a back procedure done (why now, I will never know, he has needed it for over a year). So I have now been at his folks for two days. So between the paycheck and the mother-in-law, and D’s new habit of speaking like Snoop D-oh-double gizzle, I need a nap.
And just FYI, if I couldn’t afford a personal assistant, I would be nice and just fire her. Because it is even LESS considerate to have her drag her miserable ass to work everyday and then not get paid. But that is neither here nor there.