Please Don’t Judge Me That I’m Not So Positive Right Now!

2010 was going to be a good year.

In the past, I have been accused of being judgemental and negative.  I have realllllly been working on it.  (Of course, I think that some of the people who accused me of that didn’t like what reality I was bringing to certain situations…for instance, if your husband beats you, leaving him isn’t a bad idea…and don’t say I’m negative to suggest it.)  But that is neither here nor there.  I saw that I could be judgy, so I have worked on it.

I was excited for 2010.  Within the first 10 days, I was flown off to my mom’s to take care of her.  (Ok, to be expected…she has lupus).  Although she is out of the hospital, her illness is progressing.  I think that part of the problem is that she didn’t bounce back as fast as she thought she would.  Turning 60 has definitely slowed down her healing process, but I also think that she is sick and tired of being sick and tired.  My mind has been weighed down by guilt, feeling like crap that I am not with her to help.  But I know that in a young marriage, you need to be around…Especially if…

You husband has a drug addiction.  I am proud of him for finally doing what he needs to do, but now that he is gone, I so need this time to take care of me.  I need the time to put the emphasis on healing my mind and body.  Since we got together four years ago, I have gained 70 pounds.  I thought that it was strictly because of “love weight” and due to my recently diagnosed hypo-thyroidism.  Until yesterday…

When I was told that I have poly-ovarian cystic syndrome.  In addition to not allowing me to ovulate regularly, this causes me to gain weight and hold on to it.  I have started some new meds (already!) and will be working on fertility issues, in addition to losing weight (which just might be possible now, with the drugs) so that once D. is better, we can have kids.

I can’t tell if I am an idiot to keep faith, or if Gd is just pushing me.  I have never lost faith before, but I am feeling like crap.  The strangest thing, however, is that I still feel no relief…maybe this will give me some relief from the weight gain, cramps and constant (seriously) PMS I suffer from, but I don’t have the same optimism that I would of a few months ago.  And right now, I can’t even turn to D or my mom for comforting.  I don’t want to be the girl that always has major issues in their life…you know, the girl at work (if I hadn’t been laid off…oy!) who is always ten minutes late and comes in with the story of how her husband is a drunk/her kids have the kroop/she got a flat tire/her lights got turned off/etc.  So excuse me if I vent of the blog for a minute or two, because if I don’t, I am afraid of becoming a person I don’t like.

*please forgive the ongoing sentences and random thought process behind this post…I just need to get it out!

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