I Really Don’t Want to be a Whiny B*$ch, But…

Things are just not looking up.

I’m not just suffering from PCOS.  I’m actually going into pre-menopause.

When I turned 25, I bitched nonstop about being “almost 30”.  Seriously.  I thought I was “old”.  And “old” meant I wasn’t married and I was going to die alone with 89 cats.

I didn’t realize that what actually was going to happen was that I was going to have severe ovarian failure.

I’m on some medicine (via my endrocrinologist) that causes birth defects and have to stay on it for 6 months.  I then have to test for 3 months to make sure that I am no longer at risk of passing it on to my children.  But, see, with the pre-menopause (which obviously doesn’t mean it will be over that quickly, it just complicates things) and the lack of ovulation, my gyno wants me to act faster than 6 months if I want a better chance of a natural pregnancy.  The two docs are like the jets and the sharks, but my ovaries are the streets in dispute.

We can’t afford to get pregnant right now.  We can’t afford goldfish.  Nonetheless, I am so so smashed emotionally.  I actually was driving around aimlessly on Monday, looking for an insane asylum (I’m serious) but I couldn’t figure out what it would look like.  Luckily, there was a Nar-Anon mtg I could go to so I just went there.  Sometimes, being the spouse of a recovering druggie has it’s perks.  4 or so days a weeks, I get to go to mtgs where people seriously don’t judge me and will listen to me cry.  It’s nice.

I know that things happen for a reason.  I do.  But in the last calendar year, both D and I have lost our jobs, my mom nearly died, D went to rehab, I was diagnosed with a bevy of medical issues…oh, and we got married.  So I am a little overwhelmed.  I am looking at the medically imposed time (medicine that causes birth defects, remember) as a time to not stress about having kids but rather to work on really getting healthy, mentally and physically.  And to finally organize my house.  That way, no matter how we come by children, I will be a little more ready.

As we say at Nar-Anon, thanks for letting me share.

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