Category Archives: 1

Please Don’t Judge Me That I’m Not So Positive Right Now!

2010 was going to be a good year.

In the past, I have been accused of being judgemental and negative.  I have realllllly been working on it.  (Of course, I think that some of the people who accused me of that didn’t like what reality I was bringing to certain situations…for instance, if your husband beats you, leaving him isn’t a bad idea…and don’t say I’m negative to suggest it.)  But that is neither here nor there.  I saw that I could be judgy, so I have worked on it.

I was excited for 2010.  Within the first 10 days, I was flown off to my mom’s to take care of her.  (Ok, to be expected…she has lupus).  Although she is out of the hospital, her illness is progressing.  I think that part of the problem is that she didn’t bounce back as fast as she thought she would.  Turning 60 has definitely slowed down her healing process, but I also think that she is sick and tired of being sick and tired.  My mind has been weighed down by guilt, feeling like crap that I am not with her to help.  But I know that in a young marriage, you need to be around…Especially if…

You husband has a drug addiction.  I am proud of him for finally doing what he needs to do, but now that he is gone, I so need this time to take care of me.  I need the time to put the emphasis on healing my mind and body.  Since we got together four years ago, I have gained 70 pounds.  I thought that it was strictly because of “love weight” and due to my recently diagnosed hypo-thyroidism.  Until yesterday…

When I was told that I have poly-ovarian cystic syndrome.  In addition to not allowing me to ovulate regularly, this causes me to gain weight and hold on to it.  I have started some new meds (already!) and will be working on fertility issues, in addition to losing weight (which just might be possible now, with the drugs) so that once D. is better, we can have kids.

I can’t tell if I am an idiot to keep faith, or if Gd is just pushing me.  I have never lost faith before, but I am feeling like crap.  The strangest thing, however, is that I still feel no relief…maybe this will give me some relief from the weight gain, cramps and constant (seriously) PMS I suffer from, but I don’t have the same optimism that I would of a few months ago.  And right now, I can’t even turn to D or my mom for comforting.  I don’t want to be the girl that always has major issues in their life…you know, the girl at work (if I hadn’t been laid off…oy!) who is always ten minutes late and comes in with the story of how her husband is a drunk/her kids have the kroop/she got a flat tire/her lights got turned off/etc.  So excuse me if I vent of the blog for a minute or two, because if I don’t, I am afraid of becoming a person I don’t like.

*please forgive the ongoing sentences and random thought process behind this post…I just need to get it out!

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I’m too tired to pretend like I’m not affected by this, so instead I’m faking a sick dog. Is that bad?

D. is a pretty private person.  He hasn’t really told anyone about what’s going on.  Which, since we have so few friends to begin with, makes me being home alone pretty difficult.  One couple that we are really close to knows the situation, and are fabulous.  But between them, the nutso MIL, my other BFF, and my mom, my phone is ringing off the hook.  Which is TOTALLY getting in the way of me just moping a teeny bit and sitting at home with the dog while working on myself and searching the house for Oxycotin to throw out.

I had a few crying spells, but today hasn’t been that bad.  I walked like 4 miles (I think that’s 6 or so kilometers, Eden :)) and I took the dog out for a run (separately.  I wasn’t kidding, I am going to lose weight this month).  I talked to Danny a bit (his detox starts on Monday, and until then he is with his folks…and going through weird mood swings from the taper).

After spending 200 bucks at the grocery store (and I am not going to lie, 40 or so bucks was on the dog for treats and 20 or so was chocolate covered pretzels) I was ready to chill by myself.  The couple here called and were so intent on getting me out of the house.  I lied and said that my dog was sick.  People are much nicer to sick dogs than they are to tired wives whose hubbies are detoxing.

It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Goes To Rehab.

So my father-in-law is here, helping D. pack up for detox.  I can’t tell you how much animosity I am filled with.   As soon as D. leaves, I am starting Rachel Rehab.

This was funny.  My FIL said to me, “I have been speaking to a counselor.  Do you know that my wife and I have been enabling D?  Do you know what that means?”  I had to just nod, because if I opened my mouth it would of been ugly.

The next 30 days, I am going to workout, eat right, clean the house, tan, get my nails did, read, sleep, talk when I want, not talk when I want, and just do what I need.

I owe it to myself because if not, I will be the next one in rehab.

Working On It

I have no idea what is going on with me.

Sign #1 that I am out of it: I forgot my in-laws anniversary.  (I literally used to be the personal assistant to the heir of Hallmark.  Literally.  I write thank you cards for thank you cards.  So this was a weird one.)

Sign #2 that I am out of it:  I slept from Saturday, 5 pm, until this morning at 11 am.  It is Monday.  So I slept for like 40 hours.  Without a meal.  Just woke up, peed, and slept.  So weird.

I’m not pregnant, I’m not on drugs, so I have no idea.  Stress?  I just hate feeling so disorganized.  And tired.  I need my groove back!

Maddie’s Day

I never met Maddie.  I have never met Mike, or Heather, or even Rigby.

But I know their story.  And my heart hurts.

Heather and Mike have done something with their grief that just AMAZES me.  They have taken it upon themselves to not only make sure that their daughter is remembered, but to make sure that other parents don’t have to go through the hell that they have endured.

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you wake up, in sleep paralysis?  Where you are stuck, not moving?  And watching something miserable unfold in front of you?  I liken that feeling to grief.  You can wake up everyday, and be rendered useless by the pain in your heart.

The Spohrs shock me with their ability, everyday, to wake up, shake off that paralysis, and live.  Live a life, filled with love and memories, so that Maddie is still here.  And it is changing people by the dozens.  (Don’t believe me?  Click on just of almost any Mommy Blogs).  UNBELIEVEABLE!

Happy birthday, Miss Maddie.  You are so loved.

The One Where I Realize That My Mom is Wrong, It IS All Her Fault

I always wanted to be a trophy wife.

I don’t mean trophy as in the 3rd or 4th, 30 years younger, hydrogen peroxide blonde. (Not that there is anything wrong with any of those things.) I mean trophy as in stay at home, keep a perfect house, keep a perfect body, always have the energy for fabulous sex, and an incredible entertainer as well.

You know, kind of a J-Lo/Martha Stewart mix.

Oh, and I would be the most supportive, interesting wife who would know exactly how to listen to his day, what to do in a pinch, and when to give advice.

I have NO idea where I came up with this image. Donna Reed? Maybe not, they didn’t even sleep in the same bed, so no fabulous sex there…

Anyway, here is my issue. I realized recently that I didn’t grow up in an environment that fostered anything of this sort. Not that I needed my mom to be J-Lo/Martha Stewart.

But lately, when I have been talking to my mom about big life decisions, she has said things such as, “Why must you talk to D about it? Do you really need his permission?” Um, to get pregnant? Probably. To staff a youth trip to Israel for a month? Would be beneficial to our relationship.

It is like she thinks I should live a totally separate life from my husband.

I have started to remember, in bits and pieces, my parents relationship. (Post-traumatic stress syndrome and tons of anti-depressants have helped to block it out). They didn’t think that communicating was important, and so that put the three kids in the middle a lot. I REFUSE to have that kind of relationship.

Sure, right now, D is still a product of a family that does TOO much together. I haven’t adjusted to the fact that he thinks we should grocery shop together, because I can get in and out of Safe way in 20 minutes, while he is still researching the different melting points of baker’s chocolate.

But I am willing to negotiate. Because I am going to make this work. Even if my parents couldn’t. Even if the statistics that I read all of the time tell me that we don’t stand more than a 1 in 3 chance.

Swine Flu: No Thank You

This was kind of funny. Except not.

Yesterday, I was at the smoothie shop getting my morning jolt of fat-burning fruit and ice blend when a lady came in, carrying a two or three year old. The little girl looked pretty restless, and the mom set her down. Since I tend to draw children to me with my charisma (not really, I have no idea but they love me), the child came running up to me to rub her snotty little nose all over my pants. I smiled and said, “Hi sweetie”. Her mother was very stressed and launched into a story about how she had been at the doctors office, blah blah. The little girl was running all over the store, touching EVERYTHING. I was kind of distracted, because it weirds me out when people let their kids run around shoeless in dirty places. But the lady got my attention when she ended her rant by saying, “I just hope it is not SWINE FLU”.

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“Well, they swabbed her, we should know later today.” the mom responded, picking up her infectious little girl.

I was speechless and left, forgetting my smoothie in the store. I had to go home and change, as I had snotty pants on. Thanks for your consideration, lady.ffffound.com