What They Never Tell You

They never tell you…that sometimes you are going to feel empty, even if on the surface your life looks full.

They never tell you…that depending on someone for your happiness is not worth it.

They never tell you…that going from happiness to sadness to happiness all in one day is not called depression, it’s called LIFE.  So don’t feel isolated.

They never tell you…is that you can get whatever you want, but the key is wanting what you get.

For the first 20 years of my life, I lived in constant fear that I would die alone.  You know, as a hoarder with 900 cats, one-legged dogs and a spider collection.  I would take to the moldy food in my fridge and lose all of my teeth, and keep the wedding cake from my lost love in the family room a la Miss Havisham but not as interesting…just pathetic.

Then I found love.  I got married.  And I am happy.  But I realize that even with D. in my life, I still have to have a life.  And that is where my confusion lies.  I have lived in this city for over a year, and literally know 4 people.  Most of my friends are spread around the country.  D and I have little to no money of our own…and I feel isolated.  I don’t like to talk about the fear of never having being able to make enough money to survive comfortably with my friends, because I don’t want my friends to think that D. is not pulling his weight.  I have no idea why, but I don’t want my friends to judge our relationship just yet.  I don’t lie, but I don’t go into the detail that I used to.  Maybe, I guess, because I know he is a permanent fixture and our life is our life.

The last week has been really hard on me.  My paycheck wasn’t automatically deposited because my boss didn’t have the money.  I have been having anxiety attacks about that, which is of course to be expected.  Then D. decided we needed to come to his home town to see his old back doctor for him to get a back procedure done (why now, I will never know, he has needed it for over a year).  So I have now been at his folks for two days.  So between the paycheck and the mother-in-law, and D’s new habit of speaking like Snoop D-oh-double gizzle, I need a nap.

And just FYI, if I couldn’t afford a personal assistant, I would be nice and just fire her.  Because it is even LESS considerate to have her drag her miserable ass to work everyday and then not get paid.  But that is neither here nor there.

My Kind of Romance

I spent the weekend with my little sister in SF at a wedding.  She is sweet, but a little awkward and definitely stuck in her romanticized version of the world.  It is perfect for her, though, because the man she married at age 23 is the same way.  They have been married for a year and a half and still celebrate the anniversary of their first date and things like that.  It’s dorky and sometimes annoying.  And whereas I don’t want to be anything like that, it is also kind of endearing to see how her hubby is with her.  He totally plays along with her dorki-ness.

I love D. but sometimes I wish he would be more romantic.  I married him knowing full-well that he wouldn’t change on this.  And it’s okay, because when he does do something romantic, it is even more special to me.

Lately, we have been under a teensy tiny bit of stress.  If by that you mean he is making three digits a month, and my boss just got fired so I am being forced into furlough days and combined we aren’t making our mortgage.  This is where our differences rear their ugly heads, because we handle stress SO DIFFERENTLY.  D avoids stress completely by not focusing on the problems whatsoever.  I like to make it worse by only thinking about it.  We have been fighting (obviously) because whereas I am back in school (in addition to working full-time), D is just at home.  Not worrying lest he be stressed.  So that throws me into over-time nag mode.  I can’t talk to him without saying, “Did you ______________________???” (Fill in the blank: send out resumes, speak to so and so, do the dishes, walk the dog?)  It is like a bad tic.  Yes, he needs to be looking for a job, but I should probably say hi first.

Today, he got a job and is flying to California (he just had an interview there 2 weeks ago).  It pays really well, (baruch hashem, as we say in Hebrew…Sorry, I am superstitious!)  He called me to tell me the exciting news.  And then, after a pause, he said, “And thank you for pushing me…your support is what got me to do what I need to do.  You bring out the best in me”.

That may not be flowers, or a secret handshake (a la sister and bro-in-law) or a candle-lit dinner.  But to hear that I bring out the best in him during a HUGE stressful situation?  So soon in our marriage?  That’s my kind of romance.

OCD OMG

Well, this is it.  Friday was my last day of work, and we have spent the last few days packing for the next three weeks.  We are going to the wedding location tonight, to help get ready.  The wedding isn’t until Sunday, and then on Tuesday we go on our honeymoon for a week and a half.  We then fly back to my mom’s for Rosh HaShanah, and then back home.  So three weeks!

D. has a teensy tiny little OCD issue.  If by teensy tiny you mean he has already packed four suitcases.  But if this (along with his mom) is our biggest challenge in our marriage, I will be okay.  (Not really, his mom is LOONEY).  But you know what I mean, trying to be positive and all.  Because yesterday, when he started to pull out sweaters for a destination wedding where the temperature is 110 during the day and 100 at night?  I left the house and went to the spa for 4 hours.  Seriously.  And now we are off to Target to buy new suitcases, because the bride has to be able to bring some clothes.  And the groom has packed all of their suitcases.

Breathing.  In.  Out.

I hope everyone is doing well and I will “talk” to you in 3 weeks!!!